Honouring Disenfranchised Grief

Honouring Disenfranchised Grief












Disenfranchised Grief can be described as grief that is not recognised or acknowledged by society. Examples, although not extensively, might be a miscarriage, an elderly loved one who is considered to have had a ‘good long life,’ the death of a non-human loved one such as a pet, death of someone from a stigmatised means such as suicide, drug addiction, AIDS etc,  the death of a loved one in the case of a secret relationship or that which is disapproved of by others.

People also mourn the end of a relationship, and this can be especially hard if others do not understand this. When someone is missing, even if they are presumed dead, when you still don’t know this can be very confusing as you don’t know whether to mourn them or hope that they return.

Another example is that you are grieving longer than expected, and people around you encourage you to stop talking about it and just move on.

There are many reasons why honouring disenfranchised grief may assist the mourning process, and what we say to ourselves in our heads about it has a huge bearing on how we come to terms with the loss.

  • Be gentle with yourself. Your feelings are real and they are valid. Criticising yourself for your grief or trying to run away from it only makes it worse. Just like you might comfort a child or someone you love who is suffering, be comforting to yourself.
  • Talk to someone who will not judge you. Sometimes, with the best will in the world, friends and family aren’t ideal and talking to a professional can help. Counselling or EFT are some of the many supportive interventions available.
  • Do something that helps you to acknowledge the death and honour the person (or animal, or relationship). In ‘normal’ circumstances when a loved one dies you can attend a funeral, place flowers on a grave and do the usual things that society accepts. You can make up your own rituals, such as lighting a candle, planting a tree, creating a small flower garden in their memory or writing them a letter which you can keep, burn or bury afterwards. Something that feels okay to you, and can remain private if you so wish.
  • Have an awareness of the mourning process. According to Worden (2009) the tasks of mourning are: 1) Accepting the reality of the loss, 2) Processing the pain of grief, 3) Adjusting to a world without the deceased and 4) Finding an enduring connection with the deceased in the midst of embarking on a new life. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross spoke of Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance in the stages of grief, which do not happen one after the other, but often co-exist and get repeated. It is not possible to go into any depth in such a short blog of these stages. However, having an awareness of what is happening during the grieving process might help you to make a little more sense of it, as well as honour what is occurring for you. Finding a good book on grieving could help you with this.
  • Look after yourself. In times when our emotions are pulling us down we need exercise and good self-care more than ever. Some people turn to alcohol (or other substances), overeating for comfort and suchlike, which can make things worse in the long run.

This Positive EFT video demonstrates how tapping can help some people in the grieving process:

Related Links:

Babycentre.co.uk on coping with miscarriage.

Bereaved.ie provides advice and information for bereaved people, those suporting them and professionals working with them. It is an initiative of the Irish Hospice Foundation.

Console.ie the national suicide charity (Ireland).

Griefwords.com article on when friend or family member has experienced the death of someone loved from AIDS.

Opentohope.com articles and commentary on pet loss.

Rainbows is a dedicated free service for children and young people. The Rainbows programme supports children and young people affected by loss because of bereavement, separation or divorce.

Reachout.com is an online youth mental health service. Put simply, it helps young people through tough times and was, in fact the first of its kind in the world.

Everything You Need For Your Baby, According to Science


Weight Loss & Motivation with EFT

Weight Loss & Motivation with EFT

weight loss motivation












Weight Loss & Motivation with EFT: Isn’t that what it’s all about? Motivation. Consistency. If it could be bottled and sold what would people be willing to pay for it? Well believe it or not you can actually create it for yourself. You are more powerful than you probably realise. Most of us are.

So for a start ask yourself just how you would rate your motivation to lose weight on the SUE Scale* right now? +10 = completely and utterly motivated and -10 = about as unmotivated as you could possibly get. 0 is neutral.

SUE image




Got your number? Make a note of it if you are going to use EFT so that you can track your progress before and after tapping. Then, for finding out what might be blocking you from motivation to lose weight say the following statements/questions to yourself and note how comfortable and truthful they feel to you:

  • It is safe for me to lose weight and maintain a healthy weight.
  • I deserve to achieve my desired weight and maintain it.
  • Who would I be if I achieve and maintain my healthy weight and does this feel good?
  • Who might be upset with me if I achieve and maintain my healthy weight?

The statements and questions above all relate to three key issues that come up for people in terms of blocks to success: safety, identity and deserving. If you feel its unsafe to achieve your goal, or it will change your identity and you are not sure who you would be, or that you don’t deserve it, you will sabotage your progress. Sabotage is where we deliberately disrupt our progress. In weight loss this often manifests in binge eating, undoing all of your good work, not exercising etc. It’s all very normal human stuff. But with EFT you can explore the blocks and start to unravel and release them. If your weight loss issues are sensitive, work with an experienced practitioner. Working with an EFT Practitioner can be highly beneficial as they will help you to uncover blind spots and pick yourself up when you are finding it hard.

Some more examples of unhelpful (tappable) beliefs include:

  • If I lose weight my partner won’t like it
  • People will be jealous or resentful of me
  • I might lose the weight and realise I’m still not happy and have to look into some other painful thing
  • I might make myself ill (associations with thin and ill/or old)

About EFT generally and how to do it

Weight Loss & Motivation with EFT is covered in my classical EFT programme: Love Yourself Slim with EFT which is available to download and use at home. It contains over three hours of audio recordings to break through weight loss resistance and support your long term and short term goals. Included in the programme are 40 plus audios to tap along to, which target common weight loss blocks as well as rounds to increase motivation and confidence, and a focusing visualisation and manual. Also 10 weight loss EFT demonstrational videos.

One of the EFT videos included in the programme for motivation to exercise:

* = SUE (subjective units of experience) scale originates from the work of Silvia Hartmann, the founder of Modern Energy EFT. The video shown above and my online programme are done using classical EFT, which uses the SUDS (subjective units of distress) scale to measure progress.


Powered by WishList Member - Membership Software