Do you find it hard to say no to people? If so, you are not alone. Some of us hate to disappoint, upset or lose favour with others. If saying no doesn’t come naturally to you, don’t worry, you can learn.
Why is saying no difficult for some people?
– A fear of letting other people down. – The worry that saying no might make the other person angry. – A habit of putting others’ needs before your own. – Wanting to be seen as obliging and helpful – and not selfish.
Always saying yes to people can leave you feeling exhausted and shows a lack of self-care. It can be even harder to break the cycle as others’ learn that you will always say yes, and expect this. When you decide to change, you’ll also need to re-educate those people about your new stance. Some may find it strange, and even put the pressure on more at first – but hold firm and they will learn. When you say yes to something that compromises you – you are saying no to yourself.
Why it’s good to say no to things that don’t support us:
– Having good boundaries is a sign of strength and self-worth. – It is helpful to others who have a tendency to take all the time, to know that you are no longer supporting that. If people take you for granted, you are making the problem worse by letting them get away with it all the time. – It preserves our energy and supports balance and wellbeing. – It means we have more time to do things that matter to us.
– If you are not sure how to answer a person when you want to say no, it’s okay to say: ‘I’m not sure, I’ll check this out and let you know soon.’ This gives you time to prepare your response. – If someone was to pressurise for an immediate answer, I would refuse, simply because asking for more time is a reasonable request and they have been disrespectful by not allowing that. – Keep it short and simple: ‘Sorry but I’m not available.’ Don’t give endless reasons why – it’s probably none of their business. But if you do tell them, always tell the truth. If you keep justifying why you are saying no, you show that you are totally uncomfortable with it and are open to persuasion. – Be polite. Look them in the eye. Just because you are saying no, doesn’t imply that you are mean, don’t like the person, or don’t respect them.
As we raise energy flow through the energy body it also helps us to feel more empowered. Being a doormat or people pleaser always leaves you with less energy. Give yourself the gift today of saying no when something is asked of you that doesn’t feel right.
Need more help with this? Try out the Energy EFT video below or book an EFT session with Susan. Any questions? Get in touch.
The words we say and think about ourselves are powerful. If you keep describing yourself this way, you, and others will see you that way. Instead why not say ‘I am helping myself to feel more confident,’ or even better, use an affirmation. Affirmations are statements which affirm what you are working towards or hoping for is already so. Example:
I am confident and love speaking with other people
I enjoy public speaking and feel good about it
Or whatever it is that you feel you can’t do right now and would love to be able to, turn it into your own affirmation. Read it and say it many times each day.
Practise those things you find challenging every day
Practise makes perfect. Think of it as a workout of sorts, strengthening those confidence muscles. If you are serious about evolving out of your shyness you need to roll up your sleeves and do some anti-shyness workouts on a regular basis. If you find yourself avoiding talking to others, find small opportunities to do so. Make small talk at the checkout, it’s fine to comment on the weather if you are not sure what to say, one step at a time. Make that phone call you have been avoiding making, rather than sending a text or email.
Use your Mirror to Help You
Ever talk to yourself in the mirror? Have a conversation. Warning: If you have never done this before it is possible that you will feel super-silly and awkward the first few times. It gets easier though. Enjoy saying good morning or good night to yourself, and ‘how is your day going?’ Why would I do this? Because it’s practise. The more you do it the less icky it feels and it’s really no big deal. It’s also very affirming to say hi to yourself. It’s possible that some people’ shyness is worsened by not having a great relationship with self. Is this the case for you? Make friends with yourself, and you will be easier to make friends with.
Watch how confident, non-shy looking people do things and learn
….Not so you can say to yourself ‘I’ll never be like that.’ You won’t – because you are you. But what is it that you admire about the way they carry themselves, the things they talk about, their mannerisms, their air of confidence etc? Can you imagine any of these things translated onto you in your new way of being? Get clear about what changes you would like to achieve for yourself by being inspired by others. It’s quite different from trying to emulate or copy them.
Do you feel a sense of heaviness or burden? As though life is hard? I’d love to help you if that’s the case. To feel lighter, that is. I’ll share some of my tips that I have found effective in this blog, which also contains an Energy EFT video.
Identify what it is that is dragging you down. For some it’d money worries, for others maybe you are spreading yourself too thin. Doing too much. For others still it might be just the way you are thinking. Negative thoughts always drags people down, as does being too hard on yourself. Be honest with yourself and see what needs your attention. This is the first step in taking some action towards helping matters.
Let go of something – whether it’s a top that you don’t like the look of, or a pile of papers. If you are overwhelmed by clutter, start small. Think of releasing one thing a day.
Hang out with uplifting people – as social creatures, and indeed, energy beings, we are affected by those around us. If you don’t have any or many uplifting people around you right now, go about seeking some out. People who behave negatively, complain or bitch about others will not help you to lighten up. If they are unavoidable (e.g. in the workplace) think of bringing your own positivity wherever you go. Don’t get dragged into their negative conversation as far as possible, change the subject or move away.
Follow Your Bliss – Rhonda Byrne, author of The Secret, tells us that we must follow our bliss, seek out that which makes you feel alive or gets you excited. If you are 72 and always wanted to play the guitar, who is stopping you? When we do these things, not only does it lighten us up but it opens doors for us and new opportunities appear that we never thought of before.
Learn to manage your energy – in my book ‘Angel EFT, tap into the Angelic Realms with Modern Energy EFT’ I have a chapter called ‘Energy Hygiene’ which talks about how to mind your energy around difficult people and situations. In truth, nobody can really steal our energy since there is a never-ending supply. However some people will test us to the limit and we can feel drained after being with them. You can use positive visualisation to mind your energy around certain people. I have often visualised that I am surrounded in a ball of light, or bubble. That negativity just pings off it and can’t get though.
What are your own tips? Or did you try any of these, and if so how did it go? Let us know on Facebook or Twitter. Please don’t leave comments under the blog as I don’t reply to them because of the large amount of spam that comes through.
Here is the Energy EFT video for lightening up. Enjoy! Susan
People go on about having me time, but what is that and who has time for it anyway? Life is so hectic these days, so many people complain. I myself am a multitasker, and have lots of pots on the boil. Me time is something that would have at one point been considered wasteful or indulgent. Until I learned the value of it, and how easy it is to fit it in even when I am busy.
Me time doesn’t have to be a day in the spa, but if it is then great. Or a week on a Greek island for that matter. But if you are pressed for time and/or money, think of self-nurture as baby steps. Think of salt and pepper me time. That is, you can sprinkle it in here and there.
Some ideas for busy people:
“You should sit in meditation for twenty minutes every day — unless you’re too busy. Then you should sit for an hour.” -Zen proverb
Learn different ways of breathing and try these out throughout your day. For example, while waiting in a queue, waiting for your child at school, waiting for attachments on an email, etc. Pranayama, in Yoga, has many different types you can try out without anyone really knowing that you are doing that if you are in a public place.
Read a chapter of a book you have been meaning to read each day. If you leave this until last thing, try to avoid reading in bed as this can make you sleepy. Sometimes reading is much more satisfying than watching TV, surfing the internet, or scrolling aimlessly through social media sites.
Exercise every day – if you can take the stairs instead of the lift, do that. If you can go for even a short brisk walk during lunch, do that. Take movement breaks if you work at a desk and are sitting a lot during the day.
Get a pedicure or massage, or other pamper treatment.
Meet an uplifting friend for a cuppa – and just enjoy the chat and being present.
Switch off the internet on your phone – so many of us have smart phones now that are constantly interrupting what we are doing, sounding notifications for this, that or the other. I often switch off the Wi-Fi and data, that way if there is anything urgent people can still call me but I’m not being pulled away by social media messages. Things that can wait for their allotted time to be attended to.
Try out a new recipe – enjoy shopping for new ingredients and the smell of delicious food being cooked. Have fun!
‘I love having me time every day, and the people around me also benefit.’
This is so true, whether you are a parent, a boss or employee, a student – the people around you benefit from you taking me time and looking after yourself. It also models to others a good way of looking after yourself. It shows that you respect yourself and people respect you more in turn.
Here is an Energy EFT video to help you to create more me time.
“Get out of your own way… stop the paralysis by analysis… dream your dream… then WAKE UP and bring it to life.”
– Dr Steve Maraboli
Who is standing in the way of your goals and dreams? Is it you? As soon as we accept responsibility for this we are empowered to do something about it. If we continue to blame circumstances, then we remain powerless.
Typical excuses that make people feel powerless and like a victim are:
‘I can’t lose weight because of my metabolism.’
‘I can’t earn more because of the economy.’
‘I can’t work on my relationships the way I want to because I have no time.’
‘I could never be successful because none of my family were.’
‘I can’t do this because I don’t have the motivation.’
‘I can’t be more positive because I am surrounded by negativity.’
And so on. Sound familiar?
Nick Vujicic was born with phocomelia – an extremely rare congenital disorder involving malformation of the limbs – and has dedicated his life to motivating others. As an adolescent and at school Nick endured bullying and struggled with depression and isolation.
As he grew up he learned to adjust to his disability and accomplished things on his own. He began speaking publicly about his struggles and how he overcame them and is now a New York Times bestseller. Nick has travelled to over 57 countries and shared his story with over 400 million people. He says, ‘no arms or legs, no problem!’
Rate yourself now on the SUE scale (above) making the statement ‘I am not getting in my own way, I fully support my goals and dreams,’ measure how true this is. +10 is completely and utterly true. Zero is neither true nor false, and in the minuses is untrue with -10 being the farthest away from the truth possible.
If you are +10 then you are okay, no need to continue. Any less then proceed to this part: Write down any thoughts or beliefs that you have about not being able to achieve your goals. List them separately from one another as headings. Now look carefully at each one and see how true or helpful it is, and if you’d like to change it.
Follow the video below tapping modern energy EFT to help raise your number. Towards the end of the video you can pause it and keep tapping using words directly relevant to you and your goals or issues. Finish with a positive round. Stuck for ideas? Browse my YouTube channel.
The aim is to get your number to +10 to overcome any patterns like this. EFT helps us to overcome blocks and limiting beliefs, that get in the way of us not being in our way.
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